Friday, June 15, 2007

Eye Contact

I've been trying to find the words to articulate what's been going on at my house lately. Really, it's none of the cyber-worlds business, but I write about life. My life in particular, so if I get hit by a train or abducted by aliens my kids will have something to remember me by.

You may find it shocking to believe, but we be some pretty po' folks around my house. With the letters behind the Hubster's name, you wouldn't think that would be the case, but alas, it seems to be our lot in life to ride the financial roller-coaster of life each and every month.

That said, a good deal of this is directly attributable to the fact that Hubster and I strongly believe in my being at home with the children. Every once in a while, the balance of responsibility to the kids and financial responsibilities get out of whack and I go off the deep end. It usually goes something like this:

Me: "I need to get a job."
Hub: "It's going to be OK, I think you should wait."
Me: "If I get a job now the first check will get here about the time the world spins off its axis."
Hub: "What are we going to do with the kids?"
Me: "I'll get a night job."
Hub: "Will you make enough to make up for the hassle?"
Me: "Maybe I could get a really good job and we could send them to private school."
Hub: "Would a really good job be worth what you lose?"

And we go around and around. Wondering. Now what I'm about to say could really tick a lot of people off if they choose to take it wrong. So here's the deal: My blog, my words apply to MY feelings as they pertain to MY family and MY situation.

To me, putting my kids in school would feel like committing child abuse, each and every day. I don't think my friends are child abusers for sending their kids to school, I didn't feel like sending the oldest three kids to school felt like child abuse, but there is something deep in my soul that tells me I HAVE to homeschool these particular children at this particular time. If I put my kids in school I would literally have to shut off my feelings toward my children to overcome the feelings of guilt that would consume me. I might not have to move to Antartica, but I doubt I could look them in the eyes as I tuck them in bed at night.

Every once in a while the financial pressures make me think I have no choice but to put away my heart and soul and do what needs doing to help Hubster provide for our family.

So every once in a while I dust off my resume and apply for jobs.

And every once in a while I go to an interview.

I've never gone to an interview and NOT been offered a job.

This week was no exception and the offer is generous.

But for now, I know what the answer has to be.

I will have a lifetime of looking into their eyes.

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