The sharing that is. The thing that convinced me is the tired, sick feeling I get after I've spent another long day in e-mail discussion with Hubster's ex wife. When I look around me and feel the isolation I've brought on myself as I try to find just the right words, knowing full well it will not make a difference. The guilt I feel when I acknowledge the fact that she has stolen another 4 hours of my life with my family...and I let her. The frustration I feel at knowing that some parts of this...thing...will never be fixed.
If you've never done what I do, you aren't going to understand. Let's make that very clear. The path of step mother / second wife is one that belongs to those who walk it. You might think you can imagine, but you just.can't. My dearest friends share this bond with me. I have been blessed with many friends, but my closest friends are the ones who walk the path, they couldn't be my closest friends if they did not. That in itself eats at me, that I am so profoundly changed by this that I haven't been able to feel that "best friend" connection to anyone who hasn't been twisted up the same way I have been.
It's hard to know where to begin, but I'll try starting near the beginning. Not quite the very beginning, but so near that it gives the beginning, middle and end definition, meaning and purpose. My mom would call it "knowing in my heart", since I've found the gospel, I call it a testimony. No matter what you call it, it gets me through the bad days. You see, I am really very lucky. From time to time, when I'm completely focused on discovering truth, the Lord whispers in my ear. On these occasions, He doesn't fill my heart, He doesn't give me a burning feeling. He whispers.to.me. Inside my head. With words. He used to do it when I was a kid too, before I found the Church. Hearing the gospel was like being reminded of that which I already knew. But there was no mistaking what I was told...what with the words and all. I was to join the Church and I was to marry Hubster. One of my closest friends once told me she never thought her marriage would be her refiners fire.I'll bet her mother knew. Mine did. But I'm glad I didn't. I might not have had the courage to do what I've done otherwise. And what is it I have done? I've married the perfect man for me, despite all odds. But more importantly, I've done what the Lord wanted me to do. And there is absolutely no doubt He has blessed me for it. In my more generous moods and times, I am also thankful for my refinement. But mostly, I cling desperately to the testimony I have that my marriage is endorsed by God. It helps me press forward in hope of making it through that round of the fire.
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1 comment:
I knew this would get good quick. Isn't it weird how we gravitate to those who really understand us?
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